


Be Gay, Do Crimes

by moorehawke



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/F, Fluff, Yaz being the Lawful Good child she is, minor thievery and catnapping, the Doctor being a true Chaotic Good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 17:20:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,976
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16896780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moorehawke/pseuds/moorehawke
Summary: Concepts like 'law and order' and 'tax fraud' are foreign to the Doctor, and Yaz finds herself getting caught up in all sorts of shenanigans as a result.





	Be Gay, Do Crimes

**Author's Note:**

> listen, this might not be GOOD fluff, but i had fun writing it, and that's what matters. i've been working on this thing for a few days and i'm actually pleased with how it's turned out! this is my first serious attempt at writing anything even vaguely romantic in a long while, so here's hoping y'all like it!

The first thing Yasmin Khan learnt in junior police training was that she should never be a bystander. “Bystanders are just criminals who are too lazy to do the job themselves,” her instructor had said. It’d been so ingrained into her mindset as an officer that she often found herself scolding people for parking violations even when off the job, which had raised the ire of more than a few people in her apartment block, much to the chagrin of her family.

 

“I don’t know why you can’t just leave well enough alone sometimes,” her mother had sighed one day, after Mrs Maysmith from floor 2 had taken it upon herself to have a stern word with her about her daughter’s ‘busybody attitude’ while she was checking out the weekly shop. “You can’t just change people’s habits overnight.”

 

“No, but _someone’s_ got to tell them,” Yaz had replied, stretching to the top shelf of the pantry to put away the Cheerios. “I’m the one with the badge, it might as well be me.”

 

It was for this reason entirely that, two weeks later when the Doctor suddenly stepped out onto the road without waiting for the pedestrian light to turn green, Yaz found herself reprimanding her almost on autopilot. “You can’t _do_ that!” she hissed, running after her, and great, now _she_ was jaywalking, if PC Seyolo could see her now, but the Doctor was already on the other footpath and greeting a friendly tabby cat with the most enthusiastic _“hellooooo!”_ Yaz thought she’d ever heard.

 

“Doctor!” she said, and the Doctor stood back up, the tabby now clutched in front of her chest and purring up a storm. “That was jaywalking, you can’t just _do_ that!”

 

“Why not?” The Doctor pulled the tabby closer. “There were no cars.”

 

“It’s not about the cars, it’s about the-” Yaz stopped herself before the words “law and order” branded her Most Boring Woman In Sheffield, but it was a close call. Instead she settled for curling her hands in the air in frustration. “You know what, nevermind. You should probably put that cat back.”

 

“No way.” The Doctor scoffed. The tabby had migrated up onto her shoulder now, balanced around her neck with its claws dug firmly into the fabric of her coat. “She’s a stray, so she’s mine now. Come on!” And with that she strolled off, Yaz trailing close behind and biting back comments about regulations on pet adoption.

 

(The Doctor named the cat Neutrino, and she stayed on the TARDIS, though where exactly she constantly seemed to disappear to Yaz was never quite sure.)

 

* * *

 

The Doctor was a scatterbrain, that much was obvious just from meeting her. But the first time they went shopping was when Yaz realised just how all over the place she was. They were looking for ingredients to make a bait for an escaped alien that the Doctor had just called a Slime Dog, half-running through aisles at the 24-hour Sainsbury’s near Yaz’s apartment block. Yaz watched as the Doctor picked up one brand of soup, then another, staring at them for a moment before switching them on the shelves and continuing on. She grabbed a box of hot chocolate powder, put it on the floor, stared at it for a second, then looked at the ceiling for a moment before grabbing an entirely new box and throwing it in the basket. Three times, she left the basket behind, and one of the others - usually Graham - picked it up and hurried along behind her until she remembered she was supposed to be carrying something.

 

So it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise when the Doctor strode out of the store without paying.

 

“Doctor!” Yaz called after her, but the Doctor was lost in her own world and already halfway up the street, Ryan and Graham trailing behind her anxiously. Ryan looked back and gave a shrug as if to say, _what can you do?_

 

Yaz sighed and let her arms drop to her sides. Next to her, Mr van Vuuren from floor four gave her a Look that told her he still wasn’t done being offended by the talking-to Yaz had given him about double-parking the week before. Yaz considered running after the Doctor, but after a moment was drawn back inside instead, and resignedly paid the disgruntled-looking store clerk for the groceries her alien had accidentally shoplifted.

 

* * *

 

When Graham told the Doctor that evening (after they’d caught the Slime Dog and returned her to her owner, a surprisingly benign, if overdramatic, Slime Alien) that Yaz had had to pay for the ingredients of their lure, she was _mortified._ She rushed to apologise, stumbled a few phrases into one another, and then held the sonic to Yaz’s phone for a second or two. Her hand covered Yaz’s as she held the phone steady, and Yaz tried her best not to let the little jolt of electricity get to her. _She’s out of your league,_ the little voice in her head reminded her, and she held onto that even as the Doctor got close enough that Yaz could smell the Anzarian shampoo she used.

 

“I’m a bit hazy on exchange rates in this century, but I hope that’ll cover it,” the Doctor said, puppy-dog eyes in full force. “I’m _really_ sorry.”

 

Yaz quickly broke eye contact to look at her phone. “Seriously, it’s fine,” she said, and then went bug-eyed as the display for her banking app appeared. “Doctor- did you just give me _two thousand pounds?”_

 

“Yeah,” the Doctor said cautiously. “Was it not enough? I just tricked the banking algorithm, I can give you more if-”

 

“No!” It came out a bit more forcefully than Yaz had intended and the Doctor looked taken aback. “No no no no no no no. Is this stolen? Has someone else just lost two thousand pounds because of me?”

 

“Course not! I just tricked the system to make it think you always had that much. Easy really, security tech in this century is so _basic.”_ The Doctor spun back around and started to reset their path on the console. Yaz stood where she was in stunned silence. From her cat bed by one of the crystals, Neutrino yawned at her.

 

* * *

 

“Well I can’t just give it back,” she said to Ryan as they walked back through the city that afternoon. “What would I even say? ‘Hi, sorry, here’s two thousand pounds I’m giving to the government, it wasn’t really mine, my alien friend just committed fraud to give it to me’? What would that even _look_ like to the department? They’d definitely think I was accepting bribes. I can’t have PC Seyolo think I’m accepting bribes!”  
  
“Yaz!” Ryan stopped her. “Chill out. You’re starting to make _me_ stressed.”

 

“Sorry.” She sighed, turning her gaze towards the footpath. “I just- what do I _do,_ Ryan? What would you do?”

 

“Keep the money.” Ryan said. Yaz turned and sucked in a breath to reprimand him, and he held up his hands in defence. “No, think about it, Yaz! A couple thousand pounds could do a lot of good round here. You remember my mate George from school?”

 

Yaz nodded. George had been a quiet kid, constantly struggling in class. She remembered him getting picked on for failing English in Year 5.

 

“He’s going through uni now and he’s finally got a prescription for his ADHD. Two thousand quid would pay for his meds for the next couple months. And it’s not just that! You could pay the electricity bill for that lady on your floor with the loud kids, or cover your nan’s care for a few weeks in the home.”

 

Yaz stayed quite for a minute, thinking it over. Ryan was right, but she still didn’t like the idea of using the money personally. “I’m gonna donate it.” She finally said. “To that kids charity shop on Main Street.” Ryan clapped her on the back in approval.

 

* * *

 

Yaz donated the money that afternoon, anxiously bouncing her leg as she watched the transaction go through on the charity website. When her bank balance was back to how it had been before, she felt the tension drop away from her shoulders. Two thousand pounds. _Way_ too much responsibility.

 

It seemed like a the universe was laughing at her then the next day, when the Doctor stole a wrench from the hardware store two blocks from the factory where Ryan worked. Yaz cringed and slunk back inside, paying as quickly as she could to try and avoid attention.

 

What she hadn’t counted on was Ryan.

 

Grinning with false innocence, he called out. “Doctor, I think you forgot to pay again. Don’t worry though, Yaz’s got it.” Panicked, Yaz put her hands out in front of her and stepped back as the Doctor looked over her shoulder and jogged back towards her.

 

“No, Doctor, it’s really no trouble-“

 

“No way am I letting you pay every time I forget something.” The Doctor’s tone was sincere, and she looked Yaz straight in the eye as she gently took her phone from her hand and held the sonic to it. Handing it back, she turned and set off running. Unlocking her phone, Yaz checked her account balance - up another thousand. Good god, she was going to end up in jail.

 

Ryan looked back at Yaz with a smug grin on his face. Yaz ran her thumb under her throat and glared.

 

* * *

 

The second ridiculous sum of money went to Save The Children. The third - received after Yaz wasn’t quite sneaky enough to hide her payment for a pack of polo mints the Doctor had described as ‘not exactly biscuit quality, but it’ll have to do’ - went to a family in Yaz’s apartment block who she’d overheard talking about how they couldn’t pay their daughter’s school fees. This one felt a lot more illegal; Yaz had to forge an official-looking envelope to make the cash look like a government help scheme.

 

 _This has got to stop,_ she thought as she hurried away from the mail boxes.

 

The fourth sum was almost ten thousand pounds (to be fair, it was a _bike)_ , and that went to Doctors Without Borders.

 

She started receiving thank-you cards. Her first donation actually made the news; _Anonymous Donor Leaves Huge Sum to Local Initiative._ She cut out the article and put it with the cards on a shelf in her room. The money she gave to the family in her apartment block didn’t make any big waves, but she saw their daughter a week or two later with a brand new pair of shiny school shoes, running to the bus.

 

She funded a new MRI scanner at the city hospital. She provided mosquito nets for two hundred children in Mozambique. She sponsored an elephant in Zimbabwe. The cards piled up, and so did her anxiety; how long before all this pinged a police scanner?

 

She still hadn’t told the Doctor she was giving her too much. Part of this was because she hadn’t found the time - travelling on the TARDIS was always a whirlwind of activity and cornering the Doctor for more than a minute at a time was always a challenge. The other part was something she was less ready to admit; a small part of her _liked_ this whole situation. Receiving the money was always stressful, especially when she know the ins and outs of just how the police could catch her, but she loved getting the cards, loved seeing the difference she could make. She didn’t want it to stop just yet.

 

That little voice in the back of her mind chirped up again. _It’s the right thing to do,_ it said. _You’ve got to tell her._

 

* * *

 

It was a sunny Friday afternoon when the Doctor came round for tea. Ryan and Graham were at a football match, which Yaz and the Doctor had decided to pass on after the disaster with the possessed goalie the week before. “I’ve still got grass stains on my coat!” The Doctor had said. “I am _not_ going back to that stadium.”

 

Yaz’s parents were entertaining guests, which forced her and the Doctor out of the living room and into the kitchen. The Doctor leaned against the kitchen counter and looked around interestedly as Yaz boiled the kettle.

 

“This is my fourth tea at Yaz’s.” She said. “I’ve gotta say, I r _eally_ do love it.” She gazed out the window at a magpie perched on the sill outside, then chirruped it in a startlingly good imitation of its call. The bird cocked its head, considered her for a moment, and flew away.

 

“Doctor,” Yaz said cautiously as she poured two mugs of Earl Grey.

 

“Yeah?” She said.

 

“Listen, it’s about the whole… ‘you paying me back’ thing.” The Doctor nodded absently, staring at a pasta spoon hanging from the wall, and Yaz continued. “You’re giving me way too much. Most of the stuff you took was only worth about three pounds.”

 

“Ohhhh.” The Doctor scrunched her nose. “Mixed up my exchange rates again, sorry. God, the old mes were so much better at this! Ninth me, you’d’a liked him, he always had a perfect handle on this money thing. This new brain just can’t keep it straight.” She tapped her forehead with the heel of her palm for emphasis. “So what, do you want a specific amount each time?”

 

“No! No no no.” Yaz rushed to say. “I’m trying to say I want you to stop paying me back. If the police catch onto all the weird transactions in my account they’re gonna think I’m a drug dealer or something.”

 

“It can’t’ve been _that_ much.” The Doctor said.

 

“About two hundred thousand pounds so far.”

 

“Ah. And how much is that?”

 

Yaz grimaced. “It’s almost enough to buy a house.”

 

It was at this moment that conversation from the living room rose to a new volume and Yaz’s mum came bustling into the kitchen.

 

“I need to start cooking dinner. Yaz, are you going to help, or should I call Sonya?”

 

“I’ll help!” The Doctor said enthusiastically, but Yaz grabbed her hand and started to pull her out of the kitchen.

 

“Nope, no you won’t. Sorry Mum, we’ve got stuff to do, I’m sure Sonya can give you a hand!” She gave a brilliantly fake smile to Sonya in the hallway, who rolled her eyes.

 

“Fine, go have fun with your girlfriend.” Yaz felt the tips of her ears burn.

 

Once they made it to Yaz’s room, she quickly dropped the Doctor’s hand and moved to the swivel chair of her desk to sit down. The Doctor kept standing, wandering over to the bookshelf.

 

“So what are you gonna do with all the money I’ve given ya?” She asked curiously. “You could buy a house. Or a new car, one of those flashy sportscar things that make all the noise. Or a jetski! Are there beaches in Sheffield?” Yaz stayed awkwardly silent, sipping her tea, but the Doctor kept going without worry. “Two thousand pounds… That’s enough for a trip to Disneyland, right? Yasmin Khan, you should go to Disneyland. But then again _I_ could take you to Disneyland for free, so where’s the fun in that? Oh! Maybe you could buy a boat and go sailing. Sailing sounds fun. Or…” but suddenly the Doctor was trailing off. The room went quiet, and Yaz looked up from her tea.

 

The Doctor was standing face to face with the shelf next to her window - the one that was now completely covered in thankyou cards and newspaper clippings from her donations. She picked one up and opened it to read the message inside. Yaz felt her pulse pick up, and she stood up out of her chair. The Doctor’s expression was unreadable; was she angry Yaz had already spent the money? Would she take this as an insult?

 

The silence dragged on as the Doctor put the card carefully back on the shelf and picked up another, reading it with the same look on her face. “You gave it all away?” She asked softly, gazing at the collection of notes. Yaz twisted her fingers into her jumper and looked at the floor. The Doctor picked up the newspaper clipping and read it through as an ever-tenser atmosphere filled the room. It took a monumental effort for Yaz to break the silence.

 

“I’m really sorry, I should have told you sooner.” She finally said. “The donations were Ryan’s idea. I was just gonna hand it over to the police but then he said-” and then suddenly it didn’t matter at all what Ryan had said because the Doctor was kissing her and Yaz’s heart was _singing._ She tasted like tea and jasmine and something metallic that Yaz couldn’t quite place, but she was wholly, entirely the Doctor, and this was quite possibly the best day of Yaz’s life. She found her fingers tangling in blonde hair and a hand cupped her cheek and she wanted so desperately to deepen the kiss but she forced herself to hold back, to moderate this, whatever it was.

 

The Doctor pulled back and looked at Yaz like she’d just saved the world. “I knew I was right to bring you on board. Yasmin Khan, you are brilliant,” she said breathlessly, and Yaz realised absently that she was far too dazed to reply.

 

Until, of course, a cough from behind her snapped her back to reality. She whipped around to see Sonya leaning against the doorframe with an entirely too smug look on her face. “Mum wants to know if your girlfriend’s staying for dinner.” She said.

 

"She's not my-" Sonya's raised eyebrow stopped that sentence before it could get going. Yaz looked at the Doctor, who nodded. “Yeah.” She said. “I think she is.”

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: thank you to all the people who left comments! i'm so sorry they got away from me and i didn't reply to all of them but reading them has been an absolute joy.


End file.
